Friday, October 29, 2010

Honoring the Memories of the 49 People Lost to Domestic Violence in 2010

United Way of the Columbia-Willamette staff member, Sarah McDowell attended last night's domestic violence vigil organized by the Portland Women's Crisis Line to honor the 49 victims of domestic violence this year in Portland and SW Washington (http://www.kgw.com/news/local/Domestic-Violence-Vigil-Honors-Victims-106280899.html).

Sarah, a former program director at Raphael House, recounts the emotions of the evening and shares a moving poem that was read during the vigil:

Serenaded by the lovely harmonies of the Portland Lesbian Choir, close to 100 people gathered on a rainy evening to pay tribute to the memories of the domestic violence victims recently murdered and to speak out against these horrific acts. The park was surrounded by paper bags with candles and silhouettes that represented the 49 lives lost due to domestic violence in the last 12 months in Oregon and Southwest Washington. Rebecca Nickels, Executive Director of Portland Women’s Crisis Line spoke personally while fighting back tears about not only the grief, anger and confusion she has felt as the death toll rises, but also the wisdom, strength and laughter of the advocates and survivors she has met. She expressed her hope that through ongoing commitment from the group gathered we can put an end to the fatalities. Nickels highlighted three things we can all do to make sure no more lives have to be lost: 1) Listen and Believe, 2) Speak out 3) Get involved.

Rod Underhill, Assistant District Attorney in Multnomah County, also shared some hope that next year, we will have a year like 2000 when there were no deaths due to domestic violence in the region. Underhill read the names of the victims and led the group in a moment of silence.

Family members and friends spoke of the generosity and kindness of several of the victims and urged the gathered crowd to speak out and support the victims/survivors in their communities. Several survivors spoke of the need for affordable housing with supportive services so that survivors have the option of leaving. Another survivor insisted the community get involved “if you hear it stop it, if you see it stop it.”

One survivor who now volunteers at a local victim’s services program spoke of her experience trying to leave. When she needed safe shelter, there was no space available and she was told to sleep at the airport. She hoped that through broader support no other survivor would have to be told that.

Many of the survivors acknowledged the help they had received from advocates at agencies such as Portland Women’s Crisis Line, Raphael House of Portland and The West Women’s and Children Shelter, asserting that they might have been part of the list of 49 fatalities without those services.

Towards the end of the vigil a survivor read a poem to articulate her feelings about the horrific deaths in our community:

I got flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn’t my birthday
or any special day.
We had our first argument last night,
and he said a lot of cruel things
that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry
and didn’t mean the things he said
because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn’t our anniversary
or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall
and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn’t believe it was real.
I know he must be sorry
because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn’t Mother’s Day
or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.
© 1992 by Paulette Kelly

This very moving evening renewed my commitment to ending domestic violence in my community. I hope you will all join me in this and, to paraphrase Rebecca Nickels:

Listen and Believe victims/survivors

Speak Out in your community - let people know domestic violence cannot be tolerated

Get involved – volunteer your time and donate to United Way or your local victim services program.

- Sarah McDowell
Community Investment Manager, Health and Wellbeing
United Way of the Columbia-Willamette

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